Tuesday, April 26, 2005
...i DoN't kNoW mE aNyMoRe...
Something's wrong with me. I can feel it.
I've lost the perky feeling, and I've forgotten the last time I was genuinely happy.
I'm depressed--not just exaggeratedly depressed.
For the past few days I've been trying to convince myself I was happy. But no matter what I did, I always ended up longing for something unknown.
► I gave up the final casting for the farewell party, right? Coz I wanted to be with my barkada. But guess what, not one of them even showed up. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see my batchmates too. But they weren't enough. I wanted to be with my barkada. Sette didn't go. I thought Les would go too since when I texted her that the party wasn't cancelled, she replied, "Oh okie!Ü. And the rest? No replies at all. I wonder why.
► Yesterday, my agency told me to attend a go-see for the 2005 Manila Fashion Festival fashion show. They gave me the venue already and even handed the setcards I needed. But hey, my setcards weren't updated. Sure, I've grown an inch since last year. But I still wasn't 5'5. And my setcards still said 5'3. We ended up deciding not to go anyway.
► Just because of this height thing, all the other insecurities have started creeping in again. I don't have a flat tummy, my formerly supermodel lean arms have put on more jelly, my hair has lost its crowning glory from all that basking in the sun... In terms of the heart? I found out that my not-so-longtime-but-super-major crush has been texting another girl. And I know the girl so well because she's like, a family friend?! Anyways. He didn't even text me good luck for my shoot last week. And that was the time he and the girl were texting to the max!
► THE GIRL. She's tall, she's thin, she's smart, and she's everyone's idea of a supermodel. Yeah, she's waaaay younger than crushie and she's been sooo open about her feelings for him. Now why wouldn't he like her back? I mean, he can have her the easy way. NAH. Stop it, Ches.
I'm not feeling so good about myself. I've concealed each and every thought for the last few days since I didn't want to talk senti with my mom or with anyone else. I just wanted to be alone.
Then again in my solace, I try to fight each and every urge to break down and cry. I'm in the deepest, darkest abyss of insecurity and depression.
I need to take a break. From MYSELF.
