Thursday, June 15, 2006
Healed.
After such an emo night, I've decided to let it all go.
Delight yourself in the goodness of the Lord,
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
- Psalm 37:4
I'm not sure if I've decided on a closure, or if I still am hoping... But what I do know is that I have finally left everything to His will, that I have entrusted to Him the future, and that I have finally lifted up to Him whatever there is to anticipate. And so I promised that after last night, there will be no more worries and fears. I am bracing myself for the worst but I will never give up on believing that somehow, someday I will triumph--that somehow, someday I will live my every dream.
Prayer is a lifestyle. Prayer is not something you rely on only when you need or want something. In prayer, you should not expect that He will grant your every plea. When you pray for something, you should trust His wisdom because He knows what's best. He gives you what you need, not what you want. Should that thing you want bring you harm or change you in a way that will detach you from Him, He will not give it to you. He will not let you go astray.
I remember asking him "that" as His birthday gift. I still do not understand why I had to just be a heartbeat away from that dream only to be disappointed. Somehow I wish I would never have gotten this far in the first place if I would only be led on. Then again, I still believe He has a purpose. I have yet to find this out, but I trust in His plans. He has written the pages already, and I trust that He will find a way--a better way--to lead me to my dreams.
There are miracles. I experienced one just last night. It wasn't how I expected it to be, but everything that happened was rather unusual. And I just felt this gentle surrendering force freeing me of all the burden I was carrying for the past few weeks.
The pain is over now. He has healed me.
Starting today, I live each day according to His will. Each day will become an adventure, an opportunity for great feats, a privilege to be a blessing to others, and an offering to the only One whom my life should be lived for.
Special thanks are extended to His instruments who have helped lift the burden off my shoulders. To Mama, Ate Acee, and Ate Biancs, thank you for saving me from the whirlwind of pain, tension, and denial. Thank you for being with me as I suffered and as I cried with all my might. Thank you for encouraging me that dreams do not end with just a single circumstance. Thank you for sharing His wisdom through your own ways as each of you comforted me... Thank you for being such angels.
I delight myself in Your goodness, Lord, and I lift everything up to Your great hands.
