Saturday, September 30, 2006
I, Robot.
I am so sick and tired of having people dictate to me what they want to happen, what they want me to do, and how I'm supposed to do things. And I am so sick and tired of remaining silent. I am so sick and tired of them having their way while all I have to do is put up with their crappy decisions and be their robot.
Unfortunately, I'm no robot. I have feelings too. I get hurt when somebody gets his or her way to my emotional and effortful expense. I get hurt when I can't even defend myself and voice out what I feel. I get hurt when I have to go through a shitload of sacrifice when people oblige me to do that sacrifice.
I've had a very bad afternoon. Something really sucky came up and it really hurt 'cause everything that happened since Wednesday night was all a fucking show and then I was actually about to go alone on a five-hour bus ride home and imagine if I decided to even bring my laptop and all those other stuff and that would make me really vulnerable. Fortunately, Ate Pam went home with me and I didn't bring my stupid laptop just for firewire, or I swear, I really would've cried like a darned sap for five long hours. (I didn't bring my stupid laptop and look, my dad's laptop's firewire port is 10989787878 times smaller than what my fucking cord needed. My poor, homeless firewire cord. Here's to a sleepless Sunday night editing the whole darn video for our report.)
You see, I've been too passive lately. I've simply let things happen. I've simply been a spectator to all these events that, hey, actually changed my life. So I was thinking, had I been more "active", could that have changed things? Could I be feeling better now? 'Cause you see, I feel like a wimp--a silly wimp and an even sillier pushover.
Seriously, I've been emotionally battered lately by the ones who matter, including that one person who did matter. Gahhd, people. Stop that whole domineering attitude, won't you? I mean, sure, I don't speak up that often. But just because I keep my mouth shut doesn't mean I'm not hurt. Or mad.
I think I deserve an apology for you messing my life, for messing around with my life. You have no right to judge me for my actions or to decide for me unless I ask for your opinion. Otherwise, I'd rather you leave me alone. You've done too much damage already.
