Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Stride into uncertainty
I don't know, but I'm still in 2006 mode while everyone else is so psyched about the new year. The year ended too fast and until now, I still can't get over the fact too much too happened too soon. 2006 was indeed one big emotional and transitional rollercoaster.
So why am I afraid of a new year? It's the perfect time for a fresh start, right?
Unfortunately, I'm afraid that I have nothing to look forward to this year. I'm afraid that because a whole lot has happened in 2006, there'll be nothing new left for 2007.
I am also afraid that I might not be able to keep up with events, that I might not accomplish much this year, that I might not be happier than I was last year--I really don't know. And that's what's really scaring me--uncertainty.
Dear God, please make me a happier person than the one I am now.
***
Help me find Neverland. Someone, please.
I don't want to grow up yet. I'm scared of responsibilities, of making major decisions. I'm scared of making mistakes that would blow my chances of being successful or happy or the person I've always wanted to be in the future. I don't want to be obliged to act mature yet, or to simply take things seriously. I'm just not ready to be an adult yet.
But what about freedom? Yes, that's the one thing I've always wanted--freedom to choose a career, freedom to go out without having to ask permission, freedom to spend my own money, freedom to choose the person I want to be with, freedom to speak my mind and have the right to be right... Alas, maybe I just couldn't handle that yet.
***
Here I am bitching about my fear of such a boring year when there's so much to do in so little time--well, at least acad stuff.
Bio and 115 are killing me, literally. I've had barely three hours of sleep because of this experiment paper due tomorrow and I expect more overnights with groupmates Joy and Meg for the next few weeks. Ahh, the perks of being a Psych major.
***
But hey, if there's one thing to love about myself now, it's the tan I got from Boracay just before the new year. I feel great being able to call myself "morena" now, for the rather shallow reason that I take pride in looking like a real Pinay :)
