Saturday, August 04, 2007
Death and vindication
I've never seen a dying puppy before. Runts usually die because their system is too weak blood enters their lungs and they're done for. When you see a newborn puppy breathing through its mouth, you'll see death approaching.
***
We fetched Margot from where she was given away yesterday. She seemed detached from everyone else, including me. When we got home, Pops and I figured out she was looking for her twelve puppies. She was howling at the top of her lungs last night, as if calling for them. She was trying her best to make her presence known.
This afternoon, I went to her cage to greet her. She wouldn't look me in the eye. The only sign of affection I got from her was when she rested her chin on my hand for a couple of seconds. That was it. She immediately curled her body and buried her face under her front limb.
After that, it rained really hard. The wind raged too. It was like a very quick storm. That whole time, I was thinking of how Margot changed. She seemed depressed. I contemplated on what could have made her feel sad. Wasn't she over the fact that she had to be given away for being such a bad mother? Was she thinking about her first batch of puppies, which she refused to breastfeed and actually smothered to death? Was she depressed about being accused a bad mother, and that they had to take her new puppies away from her for safety?
A few moments later, my dad came inside the room. He said he was frustrated by the fact that some of Margot's pups were bleeding to death. "Iniisip ko, ganun lang siguro sila talaga namatay. Hindi sila dinaganan ni Margot. They were just too weak to start with."
Hearing that, I rushed upstairs to where the puppies where nursed. Our French bulldog Pepper played foster mom to Margot's puppies while she nursed her own breed. In the incubated box were nine lovely dobermann pups who all seemed perfectly fine until my dad took out two which had blood coming out of their mouths. "They're breathing through their mouths, see. Blood's starting to fill their lungs. Wala na 'yung puppy pag ganyan." He took out a small yellow box and separated them from the rest. Pepper went to the two to clean them up.
"Wala na ba talagang pag-asa 'yun?" I said, pointing to the one on the right who had relatively lesser blood coming out.
"No, honey. Once they bleed, wala na talaga," Pa replied.
Tears then welled down my cheeks. I wanted to revive them. I wanted for them to have the chance to live. I knew Margot would be heartbroken if she found out. But I couldn't do anything. I could only stand there and watch them die.
Noticing how broken I was, my dad asked me to leave the room. I rushed to Margot.
She must have figured out why I was crying. I didn't tell her two of her puppies died and two other were dying, but this time she refused to look my way. She kept on licking her paws, distracting herself from my sobbing. While upstairs, I petted each puppy so Margot could have a whiff of their scent on my hand but when I reached for her nose, she sniffed it a bit then immediately turned away.
I stayed by her side for a couple of minutes more, caressing her, telling her I love her and that her puppies were in good hands. But she was cold. She refused to reciprocate.
I then went to my room, washed my hands, and cried some more. I kept thinking of how Margot might be feeling right now. I don't want her to give up on life. I don't want her to lose hope. I don't want her to keep thinking she's a bad mother and that she doesn't deserve to be loved.
If she only knew that there is someone who's never given up on her despite everything.
***
The deaths are really depressing. Until now, I could still picture how those two struggled for breath, hoping each won't be the last. I could clearly remember how I, too, was dying inside as I watched them fight.
But then Margot's case has been brought to a new light. My dad now thinks the only reason why Margot lay down on her puppies was either she was thinking they were dying because of the cold and she felt giving warmth would revive them, or simply seeing them die in front of her broke her heart and she felt lying down on them would shorten their suffering.
Nobody takes death lightly. It's something that may eventually be forgotten, but it will always scar those who are left behind. What we fail to see is that some deaths are blessings in disguise. As some doors close, new doors are opened. Margot's new puppies may have died but with the discovery of the way they died, Margot has been vindicated. Margot now comes clean. Margot may not have liked the idea of breastfeeding, but she definitely wasn't a bad mother.
I deeply pray everything ends well for my Margot.
***
EDIT: As of 11:01 PM, only four puppies are left in the incubation box.
