Sunday, September 30, 2007
Everything's still okay
Being inside Capitol Med this afternoon got me ecstatic. I know, the hospital's a really sad place. But for Joy, Shobe, Meg, and me, it was the realization of our MD dreams. Seeing anxious residents being held down for a "forced" FGD, seeing people in lab gowns everywhere -- those things got me really teary-eyed. I felt like I belonged there. I seriously wanted to be part of that world.
After the FGD, we went inside Shobe's mom's clinic to thank her. While waiting, this mom carrying a baby (probably five to six months old) approached the receptionist to ask how long they were still going to wait. I couldn't take my eyes off the baby. It was so majestic I gradually burst into tears. (Okay, recalling it actually made me teary-eyed just now.)
Shobe noticed me and said, "Chesca, mag-pedia ka na lang!" It made me think, actually. Being a lover of life, I would certainly want to get into a field related to life as it begins. Being a pediatrician would be every kid-at-heart's dream, but I wouldn't want to scare kids with syringes since I dreaded vaccination as a kid myself. I'm still leaning on being an obstetrician/gynecologist. But there's still the pressure of inheriting my mom's practice as a dermatologist.
I wish I could fast-forward to residency. Residency seems so exciting -- getting bullied by the greats from your department, being on duty, actually developing bonds with patients... I just can't wait. This is what I really want.
Lord, please, help me find my true calling.
***
Last night was my first ever breakdown because of stress. I would always try to be calm in front of stress. When I actually panic, I just rant and work and rant and work. I never really tried to take the time to cry it all out.
And then came that moment. Meg and I were crying and laughing at each other at the same time. It's sinking in. As Marenzcine Andadiego (Shomescat's research BFF) would put it, "118, nakamamatay."
***
Stress is a bitch but I'm glad I'm learning to cope. Big thanks and hugs to Shomekat, extended groupmates (Alpha, Shomescat moms, friends, et al) who have been helping us find participants, Nescafe, and random people who go out of the way to give us hugs.
